sometimes i wonder if there is such a thing as happy. the last time i remember being happy was when i was a kid. carefree, always laughing. its funny because most to almost all the people think i have myself put together, but truth is i really dont. for me its so easy to fake a smile and put on a "face". what people dont know (which i am now making public, sort of) is that when i go to bed, i cry, i cry for all the pain that has been inflicted on me for the past 6 years. no person, no therapist, no medication has been able to help me, i also wonder if maybe i have a problem like i have to just except that i wont ever be happy again. the funny thing is the ONE thing that scared me the most almost my whole life happened to me and that was being alone. not literally alone because I have so much family and i have a beautiful son coming soon! but alone as in feel empty in my heart, i feel like I have a huge void to fill! i was afraid that i would never get married, that i would get hurt. and for me, thats all i have experienced. People always tell me that i have so much to look forward too, that I have so much talent, that i have so much love, but for me, i just feel so lost.
I remember a line in Titanic where Rose said she felt like she was locked in a white room screaming to the top of her lungs and no one could hear her, that she could see the people just staring at her, thats how i feel alll the time!!! I just WISH that i didnt have to feel this way anymore! I wish my son could have a father, i wish i could have a loyal, loving husband, i wish i could have my own house, i wish i was dancing still and never stopped! the ONLY hope i have to hold onto right now is God, my faith in God that he has a plan for everyone and this isnt my plan for him. so i keep holding on for something good  to happen! and i always tell myself that "it could be worse"!! best part about this whole lonely thing is NO ONE gets ME! i hate when people say im sorry, or are you okay??? NOOOOO IM NOT OKAY!! like if i was okay i wouldnt be talking to you and telling you im hurt!!! uggh!!! i love this blogging ordeal im typing to cyberspace and no one can be mean back to me!! lol

maybe if i could ask for one thing from God, it would probably be courage. courage to not be afraid to stick things through to have a little more faith or take a fly and leap. I always expect people to hurt me, i want to turn that around and expect to only be treated the best. i want to be able to smile ear to ear again and know that i truly mean it!

I know for sure that i have a huge respect for single moms now! and i might even have to except that i may be a single mom too!